Iain Macdonald (Best Friend, Reverend, Mench, Political Pot Stirrer etc.) mentioned the iconic Joe Btfsplk in a recent Facebook comment. Joe, he of permanent black cloud fame was the creation of satirist/cartoonist Al Kapp whose deliciously subversive humour was expressed through the long-running (1934 - 1977) comic strip, Li'l Abner.
As a teenager of my era I was a virginal, sexually clueless doofus with a permanent erection who wasn't sure why Marilyn Munroe pin-ups gave me such interesting feelings. I was also a Lil Abner aficionado not least because of the scantily clad and voluptuous women of Dogpatch. I fell in love with two of them - Moonbeam McSwine and Stupifyin' Jones. Both scared me as much as they appealed to my fermenting supply of unemployed hormones. Looking back now on Kapp's feminine archetypes I realize that in the over-the-top physiques and behavioural extremes he gave his characters, he was describing personality types he encountered in the real world. If this is so, I believe that we could invent a self-validating personality test using Kapp's lovelies.
Here is how the test might work.
Read the following character descriptions.
If you are female, determine which character's personality is most like yours. Don't focus on your physical appearance or your persona - the way you want the world to see you. Go instead to your witchy private place and consider how you really are or how you would like to be if you were free of societal pressures and expectations. I will give you one bit of wiggle room here. You may if necessary combine two archetypes and become for example a Moonbeam/Mammy Yokum.
If you are male, select the archetype that most closely epitomizes the personality of your ideal woman. Never mind your cultivated image as upstanding citizen, responsible parent and moral paragon free of all impure thoughts. And don't even think about how your mother would react to your selection. You may have the same wiggle room and combine two archetypes.
Here are the characters,
Daisy Mae: A Parton-esque long legged beauty of paralyzing innocence and indestructible good humour who yearned above all else to marry and raise lots of children. She fancied Li'l Abner over all others but, unlike some of other characters described below she would not even think about grabbing the big dolt by the ear and hauling him to the hay loft for some advanced sex-ed. Daisy Mae was a woman of infinite patience. Her approach was to exude her doe-like charm toward Li'l Abner while ingratiating herself to Abner's Mammy, the ferocious Yokum clan matriarch. This was a tough act for her in that she was a member of the hated Scragg family. The Scraggs and the Yokums had been at war since Christ was a Lance Corporal. It is fair to credit Daisy Mae with the virtues of determination, courage and diplomatic skill.
Apassionata von Climax: (How did Kapp get that name past the censor in those repressive times?) Apassionata was a sophisticated, well-educated working woman from the Big City who visited Dogpatch and met Li'l Abner. The result was electric. The primitive, lizard part of her brain took over, screaming, "Breed with him! Do it now! Yes, here on the kitchen table and keep doing it until he is a slobbering wreckage!" Her calculating logic was no match for her hormone explosion. Never mind that Abner would not survive in her world any more than she could survive in Dogpatch. She knew that but fell victim to the pernicious mythology embraced by all women that, "I can change him - he can learn some table manners and quit picking his nose and he will look splendid in a tux and and and..." Apassionata never gave up trying. She could never visit Dogpatch without being enveloped immediately in a damp fog of pure lust. Clueless Abner found her fascinating but didn't know why. He never responded to her obvious invitations. As a result, poor Apassionata remained single and mostly alone. No men in her world of power lunches, cocktail parties and avant-garde theatre could ever arouse her the way that Abner did.
Moonbeam McSwine: In appearance and radiant sexuality, Moonbeam may well have been modeled on Jane Russell. Her style of dress was haute Dogpatch - 85% skin to 15% strategically placed bits of cloth. Every male in Dogpatch was acutely aware of her charms and at the same time frightened and repelled by her disinterest in personal hygiene, her choice of friends, unique living arrangements and especially her haughty disregard for the lot of them. For her part, Moonbeam had looked over the gentlemen of Dogpatch and concluded that pigs made for better company in the sense that they were more intelligent, better behaved and more reliable. Her whole persona seemed to boil down to, "If you are man enough, come closer and you may be rewarded but do not dare question my lifestyle. I am WOMAN, dirty feet, pigs and fragrance included."
Stupifyin' Jones: She was so named because of her extraordinary beauty. Men (and most women) were struck dumb and paralyzed by her appearance. Poor Jones was unaware of her visual charms and was puzzled, no, saddened by the fact that no man ever approached her with friendly or lustful intent. She thought of herself as OK looking and nice enough but would have laughed at any suggestion that she was possessed of ethereal beauty. Poor Jones. Men took one look at her and concluded that no-one that gorgeous could possibly be interested in them. Accordingly, they escaped what they figured would be instant disappointment and embarrassment by avoiding and ignoring her. (Guys: Did you ever work up the nerve to ask the Prom Queen or the Head Cheerleader on a date? Thought so.) And so, Stupifyin' Jones, possibly the best catch in Dogpatch struggled on in stoic resignation.
Mammy Yokum: Mammy was no looker but when she spoke, folks listened. As Li'l Abner's Mammy she was continuously engaged in cookin' up po'k chops 'n turnips for her ravenous clod of a son and his lazy no-count Pappy. Seven meals of chops and turnips per day was standard in the Yokum household. When not cooking she was washing, cleaning, forcing Pappy off his butt and out to work and nagging Li'l Abner about callin' Marryin' Sam and gettin' hitched up with Daisy Mae. Beyond that, she was The one woman Dogpatch Dispute Resolution Committee (sweet reason followed if necessary by a devastating left hook), the Community Social Organizer and a Good Samaritan always happy to whomp up po'k chops and turnips for hungry folks. She was in every way the precursor of the Super Mom currently either saluted and reviled across North America. Nobody messed with Mammy, not even Earthquake McGoon despite his formidable bulk and reputation as "world's dirtiest rassler".
There are your personality types. Pick one or any a combination of two - I dare you. I also dare you to confess your selection in the Comments section below. (Anonymous submissions are welcome and expected.) As is the case with any self-validating personality inventory, there are no wrong and right answers. And if you believe that, you never took a psych course and learned that psychologists lie a lot.
If I get enough comments and good reader advice I will attempt to construct some sort of a rating protocol for this. It would likely take the form of,
If you are a stupifyin' Jones/Mammy Yokum combination, you see yourself as.... others see you as... and you would really prefer to be...
You can then inflict the test on your friends at the next wine enhanced party you attend.
Have fun!
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